Sideways

I almost saw this movie in the theater a few months ago. The only reason I was interested was because of its Oscar-worth. Normally I don't put much stock in Oscar--I choose what I like and what I don't; I don't rely on a group of people to vote and tell me what I should and should not see. However, I do like to see the Oscar winners to determine whether I agree with the voting.

I think Sideways is a decent movie. In some ways, I feel like I am in a similar situation to the main character. Of course, my life is more upbeat. My marriage is working out very well, and even though my father has had two strokes, he hasn't died or killed himself. But I can relate to his feeling of not being important in the world.

I always thought I'd be someone by now. Of course, my interpretation of adulthood and success changes yearly. So Where I thought I'd be when I was sixteen is much different from where I am or wish I'd be...or anything. I made a list when I was sixteen of all the things I wanted to accomplish and wrote ages beside them. I threw out the list about five years ago when I realized I couldn't live up to any of my adolescent goals. I do not yet own a Corvette or have a house with a pool or have published any novels.

My goal was to publish by 30. I thought I was being generous, giving myself plenty of time. But it seems I did not give myself long enough. I am still working on getting a book published. I'm still working on trying to finish something of substance.

Sometimes I look at my life and I wonder what I've been doing with all of my time. I wonder where all the years have gone. I wonder when I'm going to get it all together and really start writing. I wonder when I'm going to begin the life I always wanted to live.

Of course some parts of my life are exactly what I wanted. I love my wife. I love my house. I love my dogs. My family has only gotten better over time, and my ability to deal with them. Also I get to travel quite a bit and I love that. It's not all bad. It's not all good. It's a life that I'm living, but I really need to make it more mine.