My brother's dog

My brother's dog died last week. Going over to his house is really different now. It's always been sort of awkward there--my dad in a wheelchair and my brother always overly emotional (angry) about everything. They disagree a lot, they don't talk to each other much, they complain about each other to me when we're alone, they don't know how to communicate...

The dog helped. She was a nice buffer between me and the angry atmosphere. Having her around reminded me of my childhood when my brother was similarly angry all the time, and so was my dad--that or nonemotional, completely blank--and my mother mostly checked out or disappointed with one of us. The dog was always my refuge. I would go to my room with the dog and we'd hang out. I'd tell stories or just pet him (Toby) or her (Ginger). When my parents would go out, the dog became even more important. My brother enjoyed tormenting me (mostly verbally) and the dog (mostly physically). So we'd hide in my room with the unlockable door closed.

At my brother's new place here with my dad, the atmosphere is like my childhood home--tense, depressing, and unpredictable. The dog, however, was a constant. She knew when it was my day to come over and would greet me at the door my brother would leave unlocked, so as not to have to bother with letting me in or saying hello. She would be there in between the tasks I did for my father to give me a bit of solace from the tedium. She would be there to share my dinner as my father and brother stared vacantly into the TV.

Now there is no one to calm my me between the minor outbursts at their house. Now there is no one to greet me at the door. Now there is only a food bowl, which I bought her for Christmas, with food still in it that she never ate.

I didn't cry. I got a little weepy, but I couldn't let myself get worked up over it. I think I didn't let myself cry so I wouldn't have to be upset about all the reasons I needed that dog over there. If I let myself cry I'd have to admit how much I'm afraid of my brother's anger still to this day and I'd have to admit how much I hate the way he treats my father and on and on and on.

Instead what I'm doing is looking for a new dog for them.